This was/is me

June 10, 2018

Note that I started writing this post September of last year when I am probably in my not so good state and I needed to do something about it. I left it unfinished though and  it is only a few days ago that I saw this sitting in my drafts again. I'm quite okay now- I wouldn't say in perfect state of mind but it's better. I revisited this post and revised a little and finished with a positive thought. Hope you all learn a thing or two. Much love.

Okay so this is NOT something that I usually do - ONLINE. I'm usually the optimistic gal you see on Instagram with motivational quotes, morning reminders and stuffs like that. But this time I decided that if I wanted this to be a lifelong thing for me with you then I might as well be as honest as I can to you guys.

Here goes nothing -

There's something i'm not telling you..

-  and there are times that it felt like I am running out of ways to deal with it. ANXIETY. You may have glimpse of this on my posts during those times that the anxiety is too much for me to just shrug off and  so it slips, but it is NOT something that I openly discuss to people. It's something that I rather work on it myself than bother others with my own dilemmas. In fact, many will be surprised to know this is me.

The thing is I feel like I can never be something. I know people will say "hey you're creative, you can do this, do that bla bla bla..." but none of those I often  believe myself. I constantly need to get reassurance from others that I can pull it off before I could actually do so. This constant self-doubt prohibits me to do things that I possibly could do but afraid to try, or worse - to even talk about. Some people will probably say I don't get to feel this way when I have the things I do and there are others who are suffering more and are now in even worse situations than I am in - and believe me I KNOW. I often feel so shitty for being depressed when there's a whole lot of people and animals out there suffering. And guess what? It just adds up to my anxiety.

I want to do a lot of things that I end up doing nothing - all because I didn't believe I could do it. That thing inside my head is real guys. It eats up all the positivity I have in me and leave me with scraps that isn't enough to redeem my self-confidence, like AT ALL.

Here in the Philippines, mental health and wellness is not something that people freely talk about. When you finally find the courage to tell other people you're "depressed" or have "anxiety issues", people will say you're being overly dramatic, or that you're making things worse by "sulking", or that we're just plain lazy when we find ourselves not wanting to do anything.

There are those exceptionally shitty days where I don't sleep at all. And it's not because I was reading an intense thriller, or watching my favorite tv show or any other things like that - it's just because I am worrying and anxious over things I probably (surely) need not to. I am very panicky - like even the slightest noise in the middle of the night will wake me up. I have migraines that I often shrug off as my eyes unadjusted to my glasses but the truth it, it never goes away even after not wearing glasses for the whole day. I feel extremely exhausted and sore even though I didn't do hard work. I tend to get very impatient which I don't show outwardly and then it builds up inside me that causes me to just lie awake in the middle of the night thinking of all those things that frustrated me and why I didn't do anything about it.

My anxiety was worse though when I was still working. I left my job and then things get a little nicer for me. I could sleep, I gained weight and I was generally speaking - happy. Happy thinking that I have finally let go of the most stressful thing in my life. However it seeps back in. It's a disease - moreover, it's a traitor. It lures you back in just when you thought you have finally sought your way out.

I get messages from people I don't know of telling me I inspire them in a way that I didn't even know I could and YES I DO feel very happy to hear that, but more than anything I feel pressured. Pressured that the next thing I do will be bullsh*t. Yeah it's crazy.

But do know that it isn't always this way. I also learned to deal with it in the process and although there are times that it does make a comeback, I am prepared for it better now.

Now let's get positive..

True enough it's hard to snap out of it when anxiety forces it's way in but there always are ways to get everything back in order and live a positive and fruitful life.

Think of your anxiety as a “positive” tool

Most often than not, I correlate my anxious thoughts into something negative – like a prediction that something really bad will happen. I have learned to ignore the feeling and see it more as, yes a plausible but may not be a possible warning than a premonition of what could happen if I do this or do that. Because admit it or not, it’s still nice to be reasonably cautious sometimes, right? So go ahead, let a little of your worries be heard.

Focus on the things that you have.

Anxiety is a broad topic. You can get anxious over anything. The things you have is often overlooked and taken for granted but when you feel like your worries are once again sucking you into this blackhole of depression, then start slowly to think of all the things and people you have the luck to have. Hey you may have got only few friends but they are the best of the best so it's fine!

Forget the audience.

Do it for yourself first and learn to love it. F*ck what other people will say. We people with anxiety almost always think how the rest of the world will perceive us - and it's not wrong to look out for what you do, but what is wrong is that you made your life a manual of all things acceptable for other people. You are you, so you do you. As long as you don't intentionally hurt anyone in the process, be yourself and do what makes you happy.

Time out

Seeking time to just let go of things that makes you anxious is not at all a sign that it is you giving up in life. Take your time out card and play it well- go on a short trip, unwind, relax, may it be on your own or with a select group of friends. And while you're doing all this, make yourself feel that you deserve it. You deserve a break, we all do. 

Seek professional help

Do not ever be afraid to ask for professional help if you think anxiety is getting the better of you and it constantly interferes with your everyday life. If it carries out other symptoms aside from your usual signs of anxiety, then do not think twice and ask for help. Nothing is wrong with wanting to help yourself feel and be better.

I decided to write this down in a blog even though this feels like it would make me vulnerable to judgement but I guess i'm all for it now. I guess the judgement is nothing compared to people who will read this and see themselves in it and hopefully shared a shred of light with what they are dealing with.

If you have a friend who you feel is going through some things but is reluctant to tell you what's going on. DO NOT get tired of reaching out. They may not always be ready to share their struggles but do make them feel they are not alone in it. That you are always there whether she's ready to open up or not. Make your presence felt.

If you are going through some things and are suffering with anxiety, please stop blaming yourself. This isn't your fault. We may have quite a share of the anxious cells but anxiety is often made worse by things happening in our lives - we just need to get things under our control. Just breathe and remember my pieces of advice.

All these, from your little anxious friend to yours.

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